insomnia

its starting to get late and i can’t sleep.  i’m not sure if its because of my nap today or all the stressors coming up.  i have hula practice tomorrow which is definitely a stressor, seeing as i have two dances confused with each other and probably missed learning the exit.  i also need to memorize the chant and am quite behind in learning it. and don’t even get me started on people who have the worst attitudes in the world who I would’ve hoped might have learned a life lesson over the last few weeks but instead are as bad as ever.

its supposed to be fun and i’m not having fun, so why am I going?  I’m not sure when it went sour but it just keeps getting worse and I keep detesting it more which isn’t what I wanted. but i’m afraid to leave because i’ve invested so much and the friendships I have made I value greatly.  Plus I don’t want to make my family look bad by being a quitter…

and then theres my job interview in San Jose on Tuesday. there are a lot of variables to factor in that I don’t know how to prepare for.  Like leaving LA at 6am and probably being exhausted by the time I have my interview at 3:40pm but not drinking coffee which will make me a little loopy.  The stress of needing this job so badly on top of the desire to leave California, or at least LA, and the added stress of the wrath of my family upon my leaving isn’t helping at all.  I don’t want to seem desperate, but desperate is how i feel.  The county budget has been practically sliced in half and everyone else’s budget is so terrible i don’t think i have many options left unless I want to deplete my savings account over the next year or two to nothing whereas right now I have a down payment on a small condo.

i’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

the most horrible dream

usually i dream intensely.  so intense that my dreams often affect how i feel when i wake up and how i conduct the rest of my business.  If someone angers me or offends me or insults me in my dream, i typically will treat that person like they did it in real life because thats how real my dreams feel to me.

i often wake up after these extremely intense dreams not able to breathe, not able to get my bearings, and so upset that i am usually dry sobbing when i finally get myself to open my eyes and sit up.  its actually quite scary.

i hadn’t had one in awhile.  i think the last one i had involved my grandfather or someone dying and i couldn’t handle it.  but today i decided to take a quick nap – that was the worst mistake ever.  In my dream, my husband’s ex-girlfriend dropped by with his child who is about as old as our relationship, give or take 4-6 months.  in my dream i was afraid of hearing the truth so when she showed up at the door with a cute little white brown haired kid i decided to go for a drive apparently on oahu.  when i returned i didn’t want to know but grandma kept asking and christian said yeah, he’s mine and he’s going to be staying with us for awhile.  it was during that point in my dream that i couldn’t breathe and started hyperventilating and immediately commanded my body to wake up. when i woke up i couldn’t get my bearings straight and was confused but knew for sure the last thing i wanted was to lie back down.

so instead i woke Christian up next to me and demanded to know if he had a child he hadn’t told me about.  then when he denied i demanded to know the last time he might have been able to have a child without his knowledge and tried to determine if she would’ve been showing by the last time he saw her.  he denied again giving me approximate time schedules.  so then i demanded to know when the last time his mom saw her and if there was a baby around.  he said not as far as he knew. he offered to give me her old cell phone number in case i wanted to call and offered the extraneous information that he was pretty sure she was married by now, which i don’t know has to do with their having a child.

so, like any good generation Y child, i took this information at face value and picked up my laptop and googled her.  mind you, i sat there for a good 5 minutes asking myself if I really felt this was necessary, but apparently, i did, and cyberstalked the poor woman, who is in fact, childless and happily married in case you were interested.

half a bag of tortilla chips and some cyber stalking later, i can happily say that i am at ease that an adorable four year old step-son will not be placed on my porch anytime soon for me to raise. thank goodness.